Crippling anxiety issues are a constant companion, but like everyone I have good days and bad. On a particularly good day I was able to draw myself out of the house and go to help a friend of mine celebrate her birthday. She is bit of a social butterfly, at least far more so than I am, so there were bunches of people I didn't know and I was twitchy but over all very happy to be out of the house. I was nearly ready to bolt after a drunk lady asked if I was someone's husband while I was washing my hands in the bathroom, but I had already ordered food so I sat back down.
This friend of mine, you have to understand something about her, there are few people I know that I have more respect for. She is smart, well read, hard working and she's gotten far on her own merits and hard work and is set to just keep going farther.So imagine my surprise when she brings up that she reads my crappy little blog. Not only that she reads it, but she thinks its good.
Normally my anxiety and self doubt would just make me believe she was just saying it to be kind. Either it was because I was having a good day or it was because she brought it up without prompting but for some reason I was able to just take the compliment at face value. When I told her I've been working on a book about my life that is basically one long blog post she said, "I'd read that."
I am not big on new years resolutions. Twelve years ago I resolved to transition and every year since then my resolution has been, "just keep going." This year though, with some encouragement from my friends, I am going to resolve to take this blog and my writing more seriously. If there are actually people who want to hear my voice I can at least try not to be so quiet.
This blog will now be paired with my brand new tumblr. Tumblr has a far less intimidating format and I think it will lend itself to more frequent but shorter posts. Long form posts will show up here and there and I will actually try can come up with some for of writing schedule and keep to it. Some of the the older posts may get copy pasta-ed over to tumblr as well.
No promises, I am very nervous about letting people read anything I write, especially when it is so personal, but I will try my best to get a final draft of my book done this year and get it to some people who have agreed to help me edit it.
Thank you all for your support. I'll try to stay feeling good, and try to discipline myself to work through the times when I am not, because you never know when an unexpected, and much needed, boost is coming your way.
Happy New Year *crosses fingers*
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Pardon me, do you have any tacos?
Friends are among the most important things a person can have. I consider myself very lucky to have friends that got back ten, sometimes fifteen plus years. Today though I ended up thinking about someone who I haven't been fortunate enough to keep track of. Suzanne.
It is sort of funny but I don't actually remember at all how we became friends. Just in my memories of high school she appears all smiles talking to me with her hand. It was a very large school and a lot of this happened before I had a car so all but a few of my precious memories of her are just at school, between or before classes. I remember just how easy it was to talk to her about nothing at all or smile when she was around. Those were both things that were hard for me to come by in those days. I was starting to realize that I was trans and in a lot of ways I was hiding from it or even running from it.
Two of the best memories I have with Suzanne come to mind easily. There was a "Twin Day" at school where you were supposed to dress up with one of your friends in the exact same clothes. Suzanne and I both wore these T-shirts I had with a big yellow smiley faces on them and blue jeans. We got up on the little stage at lunch for the judging, which was just a thinly veiled popularity contest, and it didn't matter that i get stage fright and don't like big crowds of people. I was all smiles.My whole day was bright, at least until Spanish class when some jerk decided to give me guff about doing twin day with a girl.
The other memory is, for me, one that just defies reason. For her birthday she decided she was going to have a sleepover, and honest to god slumber-party. A bunch of her girl friends and me too. Now I was just barely aware i might be Trans* myself and it would be at least a year before I would come out to anyone(That disaster is a whole other post). It wasn't anything Earth shattering. We played a few games, there was a Ouija Board, we ate food, just like any kind of party but then we went to sleep at the end. It seems simple, trivial even, but by all rights it is the kind of memory I should have missed out on completely, and it is one of my most important memories.
I have no idea if Suzanne saw some part of the "real me" that at the time I was trying so hard not to accept, but when I look back I can realize now that I was most myself when I was just hanging out with her. When I close my eyes and think back, these and a precious few others are the memories that I can see myself as I am today as I reminisce.
Sadly, I can't remember how we grew apart. I wish I could. Maybe she got moved to that other school that half my class seemed to disappear into after sophomore year. Or maybe it was my fault. I wish I could remember.
We don't always know how much we will cherish the memories we make with people at the time. These days I try to remember to let my friends know how grateful I am to have them in my life. Because I should have said so much more to Suzanne to let her know how much her friendship meant to me.
It is sort of funny but I don't actually remember at all how we became friends. Just in my memories of high school she appears all smiles talking to me with her hand. It was a very large school and a lot of this happened before I had a car so all but a few of my precious memories of her are just at school, between or before classes. I remember just how easy it was to talk to her about nothing at all or smile when she was around. Those were both things that were hard for me to come by in those days. I was starting to realize that I was trans and in a lot of ways I was hiding from it or even running from it.
Two of the best memories I have with Suzanne come to mind easily. There was a "Twin Day" at school where you were supposed to dress up with one of your friends in the exact same clothes. Suzanne and I both wore these T-shirts I had with a big yellow smiley faces on them and blue jeans. We got up on the little stage at lunch for the judging, which was just a thinly veiled popularity contest, and it didn't matter that i get stage fright and don't like big crowds of people. I was all smiles.My whole day was bright, at least until Spanish class when some jerk decided to give me guff about doing twin day with a girl.
The other memory is, for me, one that just defies reason. For her birthday she decided she was going to have a sleepover, and honest to god slumber-party. A bunch of her girl friends and me too. Now I was just barely aware i might be Trans* myself and it would be at least a year before I would come out to anyone(That disaster is a whole other post). It wasn't anything Earth shattering. We played a few games, there was a Ouija Board, we ate food, just like any kind of party but then we went to sleep at the end. It seems simple, trivial even, but by all rights it is the kind of memory I should have missed out on completely, and it is one of my most important memories.
I have no idea if Suzanne saw some part of the "real me" that at the time I was trying so hard not to accept, but when I look back I can realize now that I was most myself when I was just hanging out with her. When I close my eyes and think back, these and a precious few others are the memories that I can see myself as I am today as I reminisce.
Sadly, I can't remember how we grew apart. I wish I could. Maybe she got moved to that other school that half my class seemed to disappear into after sophomore year. Or maybe it was my fault. I wish I could remember.
We don't always know how much we will cherish the memories we make with people at the time. These days I try to remember to let my friends know how grateful I am to have them in my life. Because I should have said so much more to Suzanne to let her know how much her friendship meant to me.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
TERF
A friend and I were discussing the fact that some acts have pulled out of MichFest this year because of the Womyn-Born-Womyn, or Trans* exclusionary policies. This made me recall my first encounter with MichFest YEARS ago and I thought it might make an OK blog post.
Well this was years and years ago so it was before either of my assaults and therefore before my PTSD and anxiety issues. I was also all doe eyed and all fired up about feminism and woman power because I had gone full time and the veil of privileged had been lifted from my eyes and I was all, "Whoa! Why didn't I notice this before!?"
Anyway I had NO CLUE that this sort of anti-trans sentiment even existed in the community at the time. I just figured lesbians, and feminists, and trans women were one big happy family. Largely I suppose because I did and do identify myself as all three. And I hear about this big music festival up in Michigan in passing from a friend on line. Well I was all about music and road trips at the time, so I go to the website to see about getting some tickets.
While I am there I see their WBW thing and I am just perplexed. So I make the mistake of signing up to their forums so I can ask about it.
BIG MISTAKE
I make a post stating that I am a trans woman and I am confused about the WBW thing and whether or not I can buy tickets. I get a few replies that were basically, "Oh just come anyway, as long as you don't make a big deal about being trans you wont get kicked out." This left me even MORE confused. The next reply I got was someone who tried very calmly to explain that trans women weren't allowed be cause WBW spaces are for women who have known they were women their whole lives.
This is where I made my next mistake. Still unwilling or maybe unable to believe that such a rift could exist between two communities that I felt a part of, I came to the conclusion that they meant that drag queens, cross-dressers, gender fluid, and other NB people were not welcome, but that Transsexual women, who fully identify as female, were since gender is, at least in the LBGT community, accepted to be something you are born with. I said as much in a reply and asked for conformation.
THEY CAME, from the four corners of those forums they came to my little thread to tell me JUST how wrong they thought I was. It was my crash course introduction to the level of vitriol that TERFs can spew out. I was caught COMPLETELY off guard. For weeks and weeks this went on and they much have gotten my email off of the info I used to sign up to their forums or something because it spilled over to there. (had to ditch that email account)
Just hateful, angry, message after message. Death threats, people wishing for me to be raped, people "explaining" how my very existence equates assault, you name it. I was so indignant about this coming out of, for me, nowhere that when I discovered there was a protest associated with this I almost went and joined. In the end Michfest was too far away for me to drive to and not even get to see and bands.
And that is how MichFest taught me about TERFs
As for what I should have said... I sort of wish I had gone to that protest. It wouldn't have been as FUN as a music festival, but it would have been more important maybe. It is important to speak up when you see something wrong. Who knows maybe without Camp Trans the issue wouldn't be as visible today and those acts wouldn't have backed out. You can't live your life focusing on people who do things to tear you down, but you also can't just sit around and do nothing at all about it.
Well this was years and years ago so it was before either of my assaults and therefore before my PTSD and anxiety issues. I was also all doe eyed and all fired up about feminism and woman power because I had gone full time and the veil of privileged had been lifted from my eyes and I was all, "Whoa! Why didn't I notice this before!?"
Anyway I had NO CLUE that this sort of anti-trans sentiment even existed in the community at the time. I just figured lesbians, and feminists, and trans women were one big happy family. Largely I suppose because I did and do identify myself as all three. And I hear about this big music festival up in Michigan in passing from a friend on line. Well I was all about music and road trips at the time, so I go to the website to see about getting some tickets.
While I am there I see their WBW thing and I am just perplexed. So I make the mistake of signing up to their forums so I can ask about it.
BIG MISTAKE
I make a post stating that I am a trans woman and I am confused about the WBW thing and whether or not I can buy tickets. I get a few replies that were basically, "Oh just come anyway, as long as you don't make a big deal about being trans you wont get kicked out." This left me even MORE confused. The next reply I got was someone who tried very calmly to explain that trans women weren't allowed be cause WBW spaces are for women who have known they were women their whole lives.
This is where I made my next mistake. Still unwilling or maybe unable to believe that such a rift could exist between two communities that I felt a part of, I came to the conclusion that they meant that drag queens, cross-dressers, gender fluid, and other NB people were not welcome, but that Transsexual women, who fully identify as female, were since gender is, at least in the LBGT community, accepted to be something you are born with. I said as much in a reply and asked for conformation.
THEY CAME, from the four corners of those forums they came to my little thread to tell me JUST how wrong they thought I was. It was my crash course introduction to the level of vitriol that TERFs can spew out. I was caught COMPLETELY off guard. For weeks and weeks this went on and they much have gotten my email off of the info I used to sign up to their forums or something because it spilled over to there. (had to ditch that email account)
Just hateful, angry, message after message. Death threats, people wishing for me to be raped, people "explaining" how my very existence equates assault, you name it. I was so indignant about this coming out of, for me, nowhere that when I discovered there was a protest associated with this I almost went and joined. In the end Michfest was too far away for me to drive to and not even get to see and bands.
And that is how MichFest taught me about TERFs
As for what I should have said... I sort of wish I had gone to that protest. It wouldn't have been as FUN as a music festival, but it would have been more important maybe. It is important to speak up when you see something wrong. Who knows maybe without Camp Trans the issue wouldn't be as visible today and those acts wouldn't have backed out. You can't live your life focusing on people who do things to tear you down, but you also can't just sit around and do nothing at all about it.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
I'm ok, how are you?
I have been posting links to my blog in places that I go because, well it's always nice to be read. One of the effects this has had is a lot of people asking me, "Are you ok?" In my last post I included a few lines about how I try to keep things light and humorous and try to end on a bright note. I even apologized for sounding too sappy and viewing things with rose colored glasses.
This is apparently this is not how this blog reads to other people. After talking it over with some of my closest friends I think I know what is happening. Some of the things that happen to me, just don't happen to most people. This is especially true of some of what I write about here since this is largely about things I wish I could have handled differently. I think maybe people like to believe that they don't happen at all, or at least they like to not think too hard about. When they read some of my posts, even if I write them with the best spin I can muster, they feel uncomfortable and even dismayed.
Having said that, now please allow me to depress you with the amusing anecdote I had intended to write about today.
Now I see that post as uplifting and a personal triumph. When I look again though, through the eyes of someone who maybe hasn't gone through anything similar, I can see how it might be shocking, even disheartening just to hear that some of those things had happened.
I am ok. In fact, I'm doing great!
For the longest time I couldn't talk about the things that happen to me. Transition and the depression and uncertainty of it all was "too much" for many of my "friends" at the time so they just sort of peeled away and vanished. Since then I just taught myself not to talk about what was bothering me. I was so sacred to share the difficult stuff. "What if they don't want to deal with it... or me?" I've held my tongue for a long time and now I have things to say. It is nice to be finding my own voice.
Even without talking about it, all of these things still really happen to me, and other people. Worse things happen to others. Maybe people close by or even people you know. Ignoring that, not talking about it, well that doesn't help anything. It might be nice to just pretend they don't happen to us or to those near us, but they do.
I'm sorry if some of the things I write about aren't exactly pleasant to read about. They happened, but I'm ok.
I'm ok. Are you? I'll listen if there is something you need to say.
This is apparently this is not how this blog reads to other people. After talking it over with some of my closest friends I think I know what is happening. Some of the things that happen to me, just don't happen to most people. This is especially true of some of what I write about here since this is largely about things I wish I could have handled differently. I think maybe people like to believe that they don't happen at all, or at least they like to not think too hard about. When they read some of my posts, even if I write them with the best spin I can muster, they feel uncomfortable and even dismayed.
Having said that, now please allow me to depress you with the amusing anecdote I had intended to write about today.
Discrimination is a very funny thing. Years ago after my transition I lost a lot of things. Some friends, a lot of the closeness I had with my family, the stuff you would expect. What I was not fully prepared for was how odd discrimination feels.
I was pushed out of one pretty good job after my approved medical leave was retroactively de- approved when they learned what the surgery was for. Of course believing my time off was approved I didn't call in "sick" and there went that job. I tried going to various temp agencies, most never called. One however went so far as to 'politely' tell me that they "don't place people like me." Even fast food was a bust with one place "losing" my paperwork four times after one manager agreed to hire me on without checking with the other one.
It isn't all just job stuff. I like to think I look pretty good, but I am tall and not really very into being really femme unless I am in that sort of a mood, so I get read sometimes. When that happens I get looks, mis-gendered etc. You know the drill. All of this used to really affect me. Recently though that may have changed.
I was getting gas and tic tacs and a soda at my local gas station. It was early and I didn't really have anywhere in particular to go later so i was dressed comfortably with minimal makeup. Anyway so I slide into line to pay behind this maybe 50+ guy and a very short crew cut and he sort of glares at me. Reflexively, I try to smile disarmingly as I have taught myself to do. Well his reaction was to scowl and exclaim, "Don't you smile at me, freak."
It all just seemed so absurd to me that I couldn't help but laugh in his face right out loud. I told him to buy his gas and leave me the hell alone and he did just that. All those years that sort of thing has made be feel small or uncomfortable, I should have been laughing instead.
Now I see that post as uplifting and a personal triumph. When I look again though, through the eyes of someone who maybe hasn't gone through anything similar, I can see how it might be shocking, even disheartening just to hear that some of those things had happened.
I am ok. In fact, I'm doing great!
For the longest time I couldn't talk about the things that happen to me. Transition and the depression and uncertainty of it all was "too much" for many of my "friends" at the time so they just sort of peeled away and vanished. Since then I just taught myself not to talk about what was bothering me. I was so sacred to share the difficult stuff. "What if they don't want to deal with it... or me?" I've held my tongue for a long time and now I have things to say. It is nice to be finding my own voice.
Even without talking about it, all of these things still really happen to me, and other people. Worse things happen to others. Maybe people close by or even people you know. Ignoring that, not talking about it, well that doesn't help anything. It might be nice to just pretend they don't happen to us or to those near us, but they do.
I'm sorry if some of the things I write about aren't exactly pleasant to read about. They happened, but I'm ok.
I'm ok. Are you? I'll listen if there is something you need to say.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Hello Again for the First Time :: A Reintroduction
Hi and welcome to my oft neglected blog. I'm Ellie, your blogger for this evening.
I started this blog in 2009 when I was 28 years old with delusions that I am terribly interesting. Well it is 2014 now and I am still 28, but now I think I actually know what I want this blog to be. For me it has been a safe-ish place to vent when I am my most frustrated. Often times I hold things in and regret doing so. Enough that I need a place to let it all out, this is that.
For those reading this who don't know me, ( I assume you arrived here by mistake and for that I am truly, truly sorry) I suffer from depression, PTSD, GAD and and assortment of other goodies that really make my head a FUN place to be. This is relevant because it affects the tone of what I post here. My anxiety and depression tend to make me view things in the worst of all possible ways. This is not a healthy thing to do and I try to be very conscious of when I am doing it, to rein it in and keep my headspace as healthy as I can. When I wright things here normally it is something that has been bothering me so I make an extra effort to see a silver lining and not a catastrophe, and learn from it if I can.
If my posts seem preachy, or rose colored, or read like a fortune cookie, I swear I am not drinking the cool-aid, I am just trying to keep myself sane.
Thank you so much for reading. I'll try not to bee too dull.
Ellie Wilson
I started this blog in 2009 when I was 28 years old with delusions that I am terribly interesting. Well it is 2014 now and I am still 28, but now I think I actually know what I want this blog to be. For me it has been a safe-ish place to vent when I am my most frustrated. Often times I hold things in and regret doing so. Enough that I need a place to let it all out, this is that.
For those reading this who don't know me, ( I assume you arrived here by mistake and for that I am truly, truly sorry) I suffer from depression, PTSD, GAD and and assortment of other goodies that really make my head a FUN place to be. This is relevant because it affects the tone of what I post here. My anxiety and depression tend to make me view things in the worst of all possible ways. This is not a healthy thing to do and I try to be very conscious of when I am doing it, to rein it in and keep my headspace as healthy as I can. When I wright things here normally it is something that has been bothering me so I make an extra effort to see a silver lining and not a catastrophe, and learn from it if I can.
If my posts seem preachy, or rose colored, or read like a fortune cookie, I swear I am not drinking the cool-aid, I am just trying to keep myself sane.
Thank you so much for reading. I'll try not to bee too dull.
Ellie Wilson
Friday, May 23, 2014
Dreams
Over the course of my life I have had several dreams. One of the earliest I can remember was to join the air force and be a pilot. That dream was cut short by a middle aged man waiting in an optometrist's office who kindly told me that they want pilots to have perfect vision and that eyes tend to get worse as you get older and not better I was a sad child for a while after that but I found new dreams to chase.
The next big one was that i was going to be a physicist and discover exactly how everything worked. I had a note book where I would write outlandish ideas and thoughts expound on them almost endlessly. Still just a kid I am afraid I didn't do much experimentation but I did better in science classes and read everything about the stars and space and anything else "sciencey" that I could in the hopes that one day I'd be able to prove some of my ideas. At some point there was an adult in my life who was probably trying to encourage my interest, but her way of doing so was to over inflate the value of my scribblings and to put the idea in my head that they could be published. She "knew someone at NASA" and they were very interested! I was a fairly clever kid so I did eventually figure out she was blowing smoke up my ass.
When I did I felt ashamed in myself for believing her. More than that I looked at my notes, and my enthusiasm for science and my dream as silly and a waste of time. Over the years I instead became interested in computers and finally Psychology and I had other dreams, some of which I also gave up on and others I worked towards and realized.
Today I was watching episode 5 of Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson and he was talking about light. He used a pipe organ analogy to explain wave length. All at once every article I'd read and half understood about dark matter and how this unobservable stuff is literally everywhere. There was a flash in my brain and I was asking "What if light is more like sound than we thought?" "What if those electron jumps create a compression wave just like sound, but instead of through normal matter, through dark matter or even some other stuff that is as yet unobservable?" "Could that help explain why other particles seem to have resistance when we accelerate them?"
I was excited, exhilarated even! I felt that that kid carting around that stupid note book again... For all of about ten second. Then I realized that it was VERY unlikely that I was the first to ask these questions. That somewhere there is probably some grad student a decade younger than me handily disproving it all and moving on to more interesting topics that I don't have the background of study to even properly conceive of. Even if by some fluke I was the first person to think of these things that I have chosen to do with my life haven't given me the skills and knowledge to even begin to prove or disprove any of it.
Regret is something everyone has in some measure. Over all I am very happy with the things I've done. Could use a bit more money, but I feel good about most things. This blog is supposed to be about things I should have said so here it is, "Screw you lady! I could have been a great physicist." Giving up on a dream always hurts, but as long as you have a new one to chase it will probably all turn out ok.
The next big one was that i was going to be a physicist and discover exactly how everything worked. I had a note book where I would write outlandish ideas and thoughts expound on them almost endlessly. Still just a kid I am afraid I didn't do much experimentation but I did better in science classes and read everything about the stars and space and anything else "sciencey" that I could in the hopes that one day I'd be able to prove some of my ideas. At some point there was an adult in my life who was probably trying to encourage my interest, but her way of doing so was to over inflate the value of my scribblings and to put the idea in my head that they could be published. She "knew someone at NASA" and they were very interested! I was a fairly clever kid so I did eventually figure out she was blowing smoke up my ass.
When I did I felt ashamed in myself for believing her. More than that I looked at my notes, and my enthusiasm for science and my dream as silly and a waste of time. Over the years I instead became interested in computers and finally Psychology and I had other dreams, some of which I also gave up on and others I worked towards and realized.
Today I was watching episode 5 of Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson and he was talking about light. He used a pipe organ analogy to explain wave length. All at once every article I'd read and half understood about dark matter and how this unobservable stuff is literally everywhere. There was a flash in my brain and I was asking "What if light is more like sound than we thought?" "What if those electron jumps create a compression wave just like sound, but instead of through normal matter, through dark matter or even some other stuff that is as yet unobservable?" "Could that help explain why other particles seem to have resistance when we accelerate them?"
I was excited, exhilarated even! I felt that that kid carting around that stupid note book again... For all of about ten second. Then I realized that it was VERY unlikely that I was the first to ask these questions. That somewhere there is probably some grad student a decade younger than me handily disproving it all and moving on to more interesting topics that I don't have the background of study to even properly conceive of. Even if by some fluke I was the first person to think of these things that I have chosen to do with my life haven't given me the skills and knowledge to even begin to prove or disprove any of it.
Regret is something everyone has in some measure. Over all I am very happy with the things I've done. Could use a bit more money, but I feel good about most things. This blog is supposed to be about things I should have said so here it is, "Screw you lady! I could have been a great physicist." Giving up on a dream always hurts, but as long as you have a new one to chase it will probably all turn out ok.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Shezow
Thanks to One Million Moms being crazy and stupid, I am now aware of and have watched the first episode of Shezow. It is not a genre transcending masterpiece or anything, but I am over all quite pleased. It is about a boy and his sister (and other family members) who inherit a house from their deceased aunt. While cleaning the basement they stumble upon a secret panel hiding a ring. The sister immediately recognizes it as the Shezow power ring. Doubting his sister the brother, named Guy, takes the ring and puts it on to prove how silly she is being and of course immediately is transformed into Shezow, a super heroine that wears a pink skirt and heels.
Guy's personality is very stereotypical male, brash, impulsive, sporty. His sister is portrayed and more mature and knowledgeable. Shezow's power set and costume is VERY stereotypical "girly". A boomerang brush, high heels, light saber lipstick, and pink EVERYTHING.
I have already seen some comments deriding the show. Some saying that these stereotypes are harmful. I disagree though in the case of this show. While I agree that pegging fashion, and pink, and beauty products as definitively girly can be a very bad thing, here I feel it mostly shows that it is ok if you like those things and like being active and strong and heroic. The two are not mutually exclusive.
The main character, Guy, is not what most people think of when they think of a trans character. He has no initial desire to be or dress as a girl and initially he is put off by the unexpected transformation. Having only seen the pilot episode so far, it seems to me that Guy will be more of a gender fluid character. After the initial shock wears off Guy shows no strong aversion to being Shezow, even when teased by his male friend. At one point Guy says the line "Come to papa!" to which his friend teases, " Don't you mean 'come to mama'?" and Guy simply says, "Meh, depends on what I am wearing". Guys seems perfectly comfortable being being a rather overly typical boy and then excusing himself to go put on a bright pink skirt so SHE can go fight crime. The transformation is generally not used for cheap gags and over all it is very positive.
The writing probably wont pull in much of an older audience like can happen with some cartoons, but it is exceptionally well done for the target demographic. This show isn't going to revolutionize how gender roles are used in cartoons, but it sure is a step in that direction. I hope it does well when it comes to the HUB.
Guy's personality is very stereotypical male, brash, impulsive, sporty. His sister is portrayed and more mature and knowledgeable. Shezow's power set and costume is VERY stereotypical "girly". A boomerang brush, high heels, light saber lipstick, and pink EVERYTHING.
I have already seen some comments deriding the show. Some saying that these stereotypes are harmful. I disagree though in the case of this show. While I agree that pegging fashion, and pink, and beauty products as definitively girly can be a very bad thing, here I feel it mostly shows that it is ok if you like those things and like being active and strong and heroic. The two are not mutually exclusive.
The main character, Guy, is not what most people think of when they think of a trans character. He has no initial desire to be or dress as a girl and initially he is put off by the unexpected transformation. Having only seen the pilot episode so far, it seems to me that Guy will be more of a gender fluid character. After the initial shock wears off Guy shows no strong aversion to being Shezow, even when teased by his male friend. At one point Guy says the line "Come to papa!" to which his friend teases, " Don't you mean 'come to mama'?" and Guy simply says, "Meh, depends on what I am wearing". Guys seems perfectly comfortable being being a rather overly typical boy and then excusing himself to go put on a bright pink skirt so SHE can go fight crime. The transformation is generally not used for cheap gags and over all it is very positive.
The writing probably wont pull in much of an older audience like can happen with some cartoons, but it is exceptionally well done for the target demographic. This show isn't going to revolutionize how gender roles are used in cartoons, but it sure is a step in that direction. I hope it does well when it comes to the HUB.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Ten Years
I am only ten years old!
That is how it feels at any rate. Ten years ago I formed my resolve to transition knowing full well how much of a mixed bag it could be. A few years prior I had tried to transition but it ended with a nasty purge and I even lost contact with some great people I wish I could still talk to. My best friends of course already knew but I was far from "out" yet. The hormones I was on had me starting to develop and I had switched to girl jeans and tighter T shirts. No one really noticed, I supposed I just looked very 'indi' or whatever. My clearest memory of this a girl I knew pawing at my chest and ask if I had been "working out" having mistaken my breasts for muscles. Amy, my best friend, had to come to my rescue I was so paralyzed.
New Years, was my big debut. There was a party at Big Pat's place and my new years resolution was to start living my life. It was a casual affair with booze, Anime, and Halo LAN death match (remember daisy chaining Xboxes?), but it was a big deal for me. So I went out and bought myself a pretty dress, just for me. Not second hand or borrowed, worn in secret or shame. A dress for Ellie. And I wore the shit out of that dress. I can't say I looked great, the hormone course hadn't had overly long to do its work and I still hadn't quite gotten the hang of making my hair look at all flattering. All the same I held my head as high as I could and went to go ring in the new year with my friends.
The ten years that followed went much like that party in a lot of ways. I was terrified the whole night. There were awkward questions and hurtful male posturing. Once I even retreated into another room to cry. Like that party, bad things have happened to me in this 'first' decade of my life. The words, "We don't hire you people," are now something that has been said to me. I've lost good jobs and bad ones due to discrimination. I've had people that I considered friends tell me that by taking care of my sanity and health by transitioning that I was being "selfish" and cut ties with me for years. I have been assaulted and I have been raped. These things and others have made me into a timid and fearful person, terrified of people and anything unfamiliar. It all sounds so horrible, and parts of it are certainly not good but in turn for all of that I gained peace.
Moments of peace. It seems like a simple thing to ask for, but its only in these past ten years that I have been able to have that. The words to describe what life was like for me before, will never come to me. I am neither eloquent enough nor am I any longer dark enough to convey it. However; I can tell you what it was like to have all that end.
My first moment of peace was at that party. My friends had calmed me down and coaxed me back into the festivities and one guy even apologized for being a bit of a jerk, it was nice. Some of us were playing halo and I stuck a grenade RIGHT to this guy's face. you could see it on the split screen just covering his vision before it exploded. Now I had done that sort of thing before of course, but this time I was sitting in a room, at a party in a dress I had bought just for me. Finally I was just me, doing 'me' things and it was ok.
That maybe doesn't get the point across to everyone reading this... and I tried here several times to try and explain it better but I think that will have to be a whole post in and of itself.
I remember these moments and treasure them...
Girl's night, when we got that hotel room and took pictures and that AMAZING whirlpool tub.
An epic shopping trip with Puppy and Monkey to get new glasses and a whole new wardrobe at the outlet mall.
Finding the courage to start fresh in a new city.
Being kissed in the mall, and feeling like the prettiest girl in the world because of it.
Meeting the girls at The Inner Life, and over the years watching them become impressive women that I am proud to know, more so than I can say.
Finishing school, with a diploma with MY name on it.
All of the moments when I have been able to smile and laugh with people I can truly call friends.
The bad things that happen affect me so much, I think, because they are discordant notes that mar this peace inside me that I never had before, and cling to. Having this is worth all the bad and more, much more.
Around this time of year I try to think back on where I have been and remind myself this it really is all worth it, because it is. It really is. Being ten whole years old now I am totally a big girl now, so I wanted to open up and share that thought if I could. So to anyone reading this, I wish you Peace. As much as you can hold on to.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Ellinore Wilson
Around this time of year I try to think back on where I have been and remind myself this it really is all worth it, because it is. It really is. Being ten whole years old now I am totally a big girl now, so I wanted to open up and share that thought if I could. So to anyone reading this, I wish you Peace. As much as you can hold on to.
♥♥♥♥♥♥
Ellinore Wilson
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
Last time I made a post it caused a bit kerfuffle so I sort of stopped posting. I am not going to be one of those bloggers who starts every post by apologizing for not posting for whatever period of time. Sometimes I have things to say and sometimes I don't.
Today was Father's Day. A lot happened actually. I managed to have a fairly long cheerfully toned conversation with my father. It was great. We talked about golf and me applying to be a fellow with the Obama campaign and Mom's trip. It was a normal conversation. Part of me gets depressed that something as simple as a conversation can be a cause for celebration but mostly I'll just take what I can get.
A friend of mine who is like family to me wished me a happy Fathers Day. WTF was that about. I should have said it was weird and made me uncomfortable, but of course I didn't. I Have NO idea what her thought process was or even if she had one behind it, but it really wasn't a good feeling when it happened.
Normally I try to use this space to say what I should have said after an experience I have learned from. This keeps this blog from being just a glorified livejournal post. Here though, I'm not sure what I should have said. I just feel like I should dread calling my Dad and shouldn't rejoice what it doesn't blow up in my face. When someone makes me uncomfortable in a gendered situation I feel like I should be strong enough and self assure enough to say SOMETHING even if it is just, "Dude, not cool."
Anyways, Happy Father's Day
Today was Father's Day. A lot happened actually. I managed to have a fairly long cheerfully toned conversation with my father. It was great. We talked about golf and me applying to be a fellow with the Obama campaign and Mom's trip. It was a normal conversation. Part of me gets depressed that something as simple as a conversation can be a cause for celebration but mostly I'll just take what I can get.
A friend of mine who is like family to me wished me a happy Fathers Day. WTF was that about. I should have said it was weird and made me uncomfortable, but of course I didn't. I Have NO idea what her thought process was or even if she had one behind it, but it really wasn't a good feeling when it happened.
Normally I try to use this space to say what I should have said after an experience I have learned from. This keeps this blog from being just a glorified livejournal post. Here though, I'm not sure what I should have said. I just feel like I should dread calling my Dad and shouldn't rejoice what it doesn't blow up in my face. When someone makes me uncomfortable in a gendered situation I feel like I should be strong enough and self assure enough to say SOMETHING even if it is just, "Dude, not cool."
Anyways, Happy Father's Day
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Should have said I'm sorry...
I can only write from my pov, that is all I can do.
I had a big deal decision, about a new computer, I was not well and had a friend who has some degree of expertise with computers so I asked for her help and she fucked up.
She picked a low profile system and stuff that wont install in a low profile system. I asked her to do something I should have done myself, I didn't research and check her I just trusted her judgment, and that was wrong of me. I created the situation that allowed her to fuck up something that is a big deal for me and that was my mistake, but she still fucked up.
When the parts got to me I called her thinking there was some solution she planed for and there wasn't. She did say "Sorry! I guess I wasn't thinking of that when I was picking it out!" So I was pissed but I talked myself down over the course of a week and then called her and said "I miss hanging out with you we should do something sometime soon." Trying to just put the whole debacle behind us. I got no response but I figured she was just busy.
I saw her today and for most of the night I just waited to see if she was going to say something like, " I feel really bad about what happened, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" but she didn't and I just decided I didn't need that, would have been great but I didn't need it. So I went to her and said, " Hey you know, no hard feelings about that computer thing, I'm sure I can get it sorted somehow." (and I can for between $85 to $160) and she says to me that she was pissed because I called pretending nothing had happened and that she felt owed an apology from me for *making her* "feel bad".
This was over $1000.00 and represented the last gift my grandmother would ever give me and she played *a part* in screwing it up. Feeling bad in that situation is the correct response, you don't need anyone to MAKE you feel bad it just happens. In stead of telling me how bad she felt about her part in things she decided to BLAME ME for creating the bad feelings.
You know what fine, I will admit that it was irresponsible of me to place her in a position where this could happen, but to be pissed off at me when I had just said I don't carry hard feelings for her part in things... I couldn't handle that. I tried, perhaps poorly, to make her see my side of things. That ended with her throwing a pudding dish, happening to hit me with it, and storming off in tears in a fit.
I can't and wont apologies for "making her feel bad." She messed up, and on something of great importance to someone(me) who I knows she cares, or at least cared, about. Feeling bad is just what happens in that situation and I am appalled she would blame me for somehow guilt tripping her. She is a very important friend to me and I don't want to lose her but I just can't handle her making my crisis about my Grama's final gift to me about how it made *her* feel.
All the same I should have said I was sorry. I created the whole situation that allowed this to happen in the first place and that was my mistake. You don't borrow money from friends and you don't put them in positions where an honest mistake on their part can screw you over. It was wrong of me to do that to her. For that I am truly sorry and sad because while her mistake put a tarnish on my Grama's final gift, my mistake may have ruined one of the most important friendships that I have.
I had a big deal decision, about a new computer, I was not well and had a friend who has some degree of expertise with computers so I asked for her help and she fucked up.
She picked a low profile system and stuff that wont install in a low profile system. I asked her to do something I should have done myself, I didn't research and check her I just trusted her judgment, and that was wrong of me. I created the situation that allowed her to fuck up something that is a big deal for me and that was my mistake, but she still fucked up.
When the parts got to me I called her thinking there was some solution she planed for and there wasn't. She did say "Sorry! I guess I wasn't thinking of that when I was picking it out!" So I was pissed but I talked myself down over the course of a week and then called her and said "I miss hanging out with you we should do something sometime soon." Trying to just put the whole debacle behind us. I got no response but I figured she was just busy.
I saw her today and for most of the night I just waited to see if she was going to say something like, " I feel really bad about what happened, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" but she didn't and I just decided I didn't need that, would have been great but I didn't need it. So I went to her and said, " Hey you know, no hard feelings about that computer thing, I'm sure I can get it sorted somehow." (and I can for between $85 to $160) and she says to me that she was pissed because I called pretending nothing had happened and that she felt owed an apology from me for *making her* "feel bad".
This was over $1000.00 and represented the last gift my grandmother would ever give me and she played *a part* in screwing it up. Feeling bad in that situation is the correct response, you don't need anyone to MAKE you feel bad it just happens. In stead of telling me how bad she felt about her part in things she decided to BLAME ME for creating the bad feelings.
You know what fine, I will admit that it was irresponsible of me to place her in a position where this could happen, but to be pissed off at me when I had just said I don't carry hard feelings for her part in things... I couldn't handle that. I tried, perhaps poorly, to make her see my side of things. That ended with her throwing a pudding dish, happening to hit me with it, and storming off in tears in a fit.
I can't and wont apologies for "making her feel bad." She messed up, and on something of great importance to someone(me) who I knows she cares, or at least cared, about. Feeling bad is just what happens in that situation and I am appalled she would blame me for somehow guilt tripping her. She is a very important friend to me and I don't want to lose her but I just can't handle her making my crisis about my Grama's final gift to me about how it made *her* feel.
All the same I should have said I was sorry. I created the whole situation that allowed this to happen in the first place and that was my mistake. You don't borrow money from friends and you don't put them in positions where an honest mistake on their part can screw you over. It was wrong of me to do that to her. For that I am truly sorry and sad because while her mistake put a tarnish on my Grama's final gift, my mistake may have ruined one of the most important friendships that I have.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Hard Times
So I haven't updated in a while, sue me.
Recently I went through an emotional crisis. I won't go into the details here, that is what live journal is for. The short of it is a confluence of financial, social, emotional, and psychological stress formed a perfect shit storm and hit me pretty hard. Very hard. The point however; is that I turned to my friends in my time of need and most of them "weren't there" for me. *note the quotes*
Two of my friends that I turned to were "no help at all". They said all the wrong things and made everything seem so much worse. Most of my friends wouldn't even answer the phone when I called. I came to be sure that they had turned their backs on me, that I was too much trouble for them to deal with so they had abandoned me. Finally I did find a couple of friends who were there to talk and didn't say the wrong things and after crying on their shoulders a bit about my problems I found myself ranting about how horrible I had discovered my other friends were. I felt my depression and unhealthy thoughts worsening because of it.
My thoughts turned to the people I know and how unfair everything was until I thought of this. Two weeks ago I visited a friend in the hospital. During that visit I told her that I would visit again before she was sent home. At the time I had planned on visiting Wednesday not knowing that there are only visiting hours on Tuesday and Thursday. I was busy Thursday so I did not end up going. A simple thing really not extraordinary in any way, but when I didn't show up for a visit I wondered, might she have thought I forgot, or even abandoned her?
I clearly hadn't it was just a small honest mistake but if she was worried about such things already, might she have thought that? At first this just made me more depressed thinking I had hurt a friend of mine inadvertently, but then it hit me like a sac of bricks...
If your problems are so great that you can see any solutions or think of, then your friends probably can't either so they may say the wrong things, and that's okay.
Batteries die, things come up, and ringers get turned off, someone doesn't have to be avoiding you not to answer your calls.
People who care about you are affected by your problems. They can worry they wont know what to do or say so they can become to scared to do or say anything at all, and while that's not great, it's okay.
I'm not sure how universally helpful handing out that advice to people in crisis may be, but it sure snapped me out of my downward spiral. I still have all my problems, but at least for now they don't seem so insurmountable, because I know that I have a whole host of friends who try.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're alone.
Recently I went through an emotional crisis. I won't go into the details here, that is what live journal is for. The short of it is a confluence of financial, social, emotional, and psychological stress formed a perfect shit storm and hit me pretty hard. Very hard. The point however; is that I turned to my friends in my time of need and most of them "weren't there" for me. *note the quotes*
Two of my friends that I turned to were "no help at all". They said all the wrong things and made everything seem so much worse. Most of my friends wouldn't even answer the phone when I called. I came to be sure that they had turned their backs on me, that I was too much trouble for them to deal with so they had abandoned me. Finally I did find a couple of friends who were there to talk and didn't say the wrong things and after crying on their shoulders a bit about my problems I found myself ranting about how horrible I had discovered my other friends were. I felt my depression and unhealthy thoughts worsening because of it.
My thoughts turned to the people I know and how unfair everything was until I thought of this. Two weeks ago I visited a friend in the hospital. During that visit I told her that I would visit again before she was sent home. At the time I had planned on visiting Wednesday not knowing that there are only visiting hours on Tuesday and Thursday. I was busy Thursday so I did not end up going. A simple thing really not extraordinary in any way, but when I didn't show up for a visit I wondered, might she have thought I forgot, or even abandoned her?
I clearly hadn't it was just a small honest mistake but if she was worried about such things already, might she have thought that? At first this just made me more depressed thinking I had hurt a friend of mine inadvertently, but then it hit me like a sac of bricks...
If your problems are so great that you can see any solutions or think of, then your friends probably can't either so they may say the wrong things, and that's okay.
Batteries die, things come up, and ringers get turned off, someone doesn't have to be avoiding you not to answer your calls.
People who care about you are affected by your problems. They can worry they wont know what to do or say so they can become to scared to do or say anything at all, and while that's not great, it's okay.
I'm not sure how universally helpful handing out that advice to people in crisis may be, but it sure snapped me out of my downward spiral. I still have all my problems, but at least for now they don't seem so insurmountable, because I know that I have a whole host of friends who try.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're alone.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The line
A few days ago, I and several of my friends were hanging out to unwind from the week. This is something we do regularly and it is one of the highlights of my week. I wont go into too many details because they aren't really germane to what I want to talk about. Recently a new person whom I only know through four degrees of separation has started living where we have these get-togethers. As the night progressed it somehow came up that he had never before been to Fail Blog. So he was sat in front of a computer and great fun and laughing was had by all, until we came to this post. A mechanic somewhere in Oregon I think who specializes in transmission work has named his business "Trannyman". Now when I saw this I'll admit I chuckled, because I found the fact that he was unaware of the other possible meanings sort of funny. So Fail Blog is not the issue here. What is the issue is that when he saw this what he said was "That's disgusting." If I hadn't been pleasantly tipsy at the time it would have ruined my whole night. I of course said nothing, I wish that I had but honestly I don't know what it should have been.
In case you're reading this and you don't get why I feel I should have said something, or why I didn't I'll spell it out a bit. What he said suggests that the very existence of trans people is somehow stomach turning and that saying so out loud is and should be socially acceptable. This was deeply, deeply offensive to me and the kind of response it warrants is a calling out and dressing down. So there I am wanting to do that, but I don't know this guy and maybe he hasn't read me. So then I thought, "well that doesn't make what he said less offensive I should out myself and give him what for." Let me tell you I really wanted to. In the end I didn't because I didn't want to cause a big drama and ruin everyone's night, better that just my night is ruined.
That seemed like the right choice at the time. Since then though it as just grated at me. What does have to happen before speaking up is the right thing to do? Obviously I can't just go around calling everyone out for every single bigoted or discriminatory thing I see. For one thing that would be exhausting. In a storybook, maybe friends would stick by you through something like that, but in real life it would get real old, real fast. So I have been trying to find where that line is and the more I do the more it just infuriates me that there is a line at all.
Why should I have to resign myself to accept and overlook some level of bigotry everywhere I go. Transition is a big deal, and years ago when I went through it I knew that for the rest of my life I would have to expect to have deal with prejudice and bigotry. What I didn't foresee what that a lot of the time I'd have to just grin and look the other way. When it happens in the job market or out shopping or any of a hundred other ways I can speak up, shop elsewhere, demand to speak to a manager, or just flip the bird, but when it's in a social situation like this there feels like there is little I can do, and to be frank it pisses me off, a lot.
Normally I try to end my posts with an upbeat note and some thoughts on how to make things better, but it's hard this time. I don't know how to fix this and also not start looking like a thin skinned psycho hose beast that no one wants to invite to parties. Letting bigotry slide is the wrong answer, but so is dominating every social outing with your own issues. The only helpful thing I can say is that bitching about it later seems to really make you feel better. In this case I probably should have said something, a well worded and tactful rebuke making it clear that what he said isn't acceptable but that wouldn't cause a big scene, something easier to think of when you haven't had five mudslides.
Flying off the handle rarely helps so stay calm and be tactful, blow off what you can and pick friends who understand your need to speak up for yourself for when you can't. That is as close as I can come to helpful advice.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
In case you're reading this and you don't get why I feel I should have said something, or why I didn't I'll spell it out a bit. What he said suggests that the very existence of trans people is somehow stomach turning and that saying so out loud is and should be socially acceptable. This was deeply, deeply offensive to me and the kind of response it warrants is a calling out and dressing down. So there I am wanting to do that, but I don't know this guy and maybe he hasn't read me. So then I thought, "well that doesn't make what he said less offensive I should out myself and give him what for." Let me tell you I really wanted to. In the end I didn't because I didn't want to cause a big drama and ruin everyone's night, better that just my night is ruined.
That seemed like the right choice at the time. Since then though it as just grated at me. What does have to happen before speaking up is the right thing to do? Obviously I can't just go around calling everyone out for every single bigoted or discriminatory thing I see. For one thing that would be exhausting. In a storybook, maybe friends would stick by you through something like that, but in real life it would get real old, real fast. So I have been trying to find where that line is and the more I do the more it just infuriates me that there is a line at all.
Why should I have to resign myself to accept and overlook some level of bigotry everywhere I go. Transition is a big deal, and years ago when I went through it I knew that for the rest of my life I would have to expect to have deal with prejudice and bigotry. What I didn't foresee what that a lot of the time I'd have to just grin and look the other way. When it happens in the job market or out shopping or any of a hundred other ways I can speak up, shop elsewhere, demand to speak to a manager, or just flip the bird, but when it's in a social situation like this there feels like there is little I can do, and to be frank it pisses me off, a lot.
Normally I try to end my posts with an upbeat note and some thoughts on how to make things better, but it's hard this time. I don't know how to fix this and also not start looking like a thin skinned psycho hose beast that no one wants to invite to parties. Letting bigotry slide is the wrong answer, but so is dominating every social outing with your own issues. The only helpful thing I can say is that bitching about it later seems to really make you feel better. In this case I probably should have said something, a well worded and tactful rebuke making it clear that what he said isn't acceptable but that wouldn't cause a big scene, something easier to think of when you haven't had five mudslides.
Flying off the handle rarely helps so stay calm and be tactful, blow off what you can and pick friends who understand your need to speak up for yourself for when you can't. That is as close as I can come to helpful advice.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Glad I didn't say
Just a quick and humorous update today. I was hanging out with two of my best friends and the topic of hair removal products cam up as we were talking. I used to use this great Australian product like wax but you didn't have to heat it up. I almost didn't stop myself in time from saying, " I used to have Nads."
Its funny how being trans can change the potential meaning of the things you say. In retrospect I probably should have said it. It would have been really frickin hilarious.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Its funny how being trans can change the potential meaning of the things you say. In retrospect I probably should have said it. It would have been really frickin hilarious.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A lighter (more petty) note
I was very socially awkward as a child. Some of that was probably due to being TS and not knowing yet, but mostly I chalk it up to being a giant geek and/or nerd. Now mostly I would try to laugh it off and turn the other cheek, " 'cause that's how I got raised up!" One time in the fourth grade this came back to bite me.
A particularly mean girl, her name was Meghan, decided it was her turn to have a go at me. I laughed it off only to have her turn and say to me, " No I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you!" Like for real, an actual person actually said that! Well I teared up and was mortified and she got to smile smugly knowing she hurt me.
What I should said was, "My god, how can you be so stereotypically mean? Saturday morning specials called and they want you to play the jerk in everything they have ever done, ever." I was a pretty smart kid, re: giant nerd, so I am pretty sure I knew how to use the word 'stereotypically' correctly.
She was so petty that she couldn't let me laugh it off. Of course now here I am blogging about it years later so I can't really point the petty stick. Its a good point though, I remember very little from fourth grade. My teacher's face and name, my locker combination, who sat next to me, all forgotten but I remember this one girl and this one time she was so mean to me. I wonder sometimes if she remembers too. Has she become a better person now and from time to time when the memory strikes her does she say to herself, "Gosh I can believe I really said that?"
Myself, I use it as a reminder that they way we treat people stays with them. We can't always do or say the right thing but if we try, if we go out of our way to put the effort in, that can stay too. So in the words of Bill and Ted, be excellent to each other.
Ellinore Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
A particularly mean girl, her name was Meghan, decided it was her turn to have a go at me. I laughed it off only to have her turn and say to me, " No I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you!" Like for real, an actual person actually said that! Well I teared up and was mortified and she got to smile smugly knowing she hurt me.
What I should said was, "My god, how can you be so stereotypically mean? Saturday morning specials called and they want you to play the jerk in everything they have ever done, ever." I was a pretty smart kid, re: giant nerd, so I am pretty sure I knew how to use the word 'stereotypically' correctly.
She was so petty that she couldn't let me laugh it off. Of course now here I am blogging about it years later so I can't really point the petty stick. Its a good point though, I remember very little from fourth grade. My teacher's face and name, my locker combination, who sat next to me, all forgotten but I remember this one girl and this one time she was so mean to me. I wonder sometimes if she remembers too. Has she become a better person now and from time to time when the memory strikes her does she say to herself, "Gosh I can believe I really said that?"
Myself, I use it as a reminder that they way we treat people stays with them. We can't always do or say the right thing but if we try, if we go out of our way to put the effort in, that can stay too. So in the words of Bill and Ted, be excellent to each other.
Ellinore Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Absent Voice
Quite some time back there was a lot of coverage on a particular issue that I feel I missed my chance to speak out on. The right of a doctor to deny treatment of a patient if it went against his or her religion has since been tossed out of law so my opinions will have no direct effect at this point but it has been nagging at me for quite a while now.
The major focus of the media coverage on this topic was abortion rights, and rightly so as that was the target of the horrible law in the first place. Another major focus was the "morning after" pill, which in my mind is not the same thing as abortion. The whole affair was a tragic infringement on woman's rights and it is right that was the focus of the media's attention. At the same time there was limited coverage for how the law had affected the gay community, but in all the coverage I watched I didn't see one mention of how it affected the trans community, at all.
I don't know how many emails I started an deleted during all this but in the end I kept silent. What I should have said is that the trans community was held hostage by this law. Trans people, and I am specifically thinking of transitioning TS men and women, depend on the medical community for a great number of things. From therapy to hormones, to cosmetic facial reconstruction to breast augmentation/mastectomy and especially GRS. While the vast majority of abortions take place at specialized clinics where the law would not have been a problem there are virtually no endocrinologists whose practice focus solely on TS people and most of the surgeries depend on hospital facilities where your doctor can't always pick and chose support staff like nurses, assisting doctors, anesthesiologists etc.
The law is gone now, and good riddance, so the only thing left to say is, 'Where was the media?" I understand that the main focus was and should have been woman's rights, but really, no coverage at all? Perhaps there just aren't enough TG and TS people to make it worth while to spend time on in a news cycle. New is a business these days and perhaps a minority within a minority just doesn't have a large enough advertising demographic to warrant coverage. Trans issues don't get nearly enough coverage in this country and in most cases none at all and the media needs to get better about it.
Mostly though I blame myself, and others like me. I kept silent on this issue and I really shouldn't have. We need to be more connected and vocal in constructive ways. I have recently resolved to use my 'trans voice' more often and more loudly. Hopefully the next time an issue like this arises we wont be quite so overlooked.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson
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The major focus of the media coverage on this topic was abortion rights, and rightly so as that was the target of the horrible law in the first place. Another major focus was the "morning after" pill, which in my mind is not the same thing as abortion. The whole affair was a tragic infringement on woman's rights and it is right that was the focus of the media's attention. At the same time there was limited coverage for how the law had affected the gay community, but in all the coverage I watched I didn't see one mention of how it affected the trans community, at all.
I don't know how many emails I started an deleted during all this but in the end I kept silent. What I should have said is that the trans community was held hostage by this law. Trans people, and I am specifically thinking of transitioning TS men and women, depend on the medical community for a great number of things. From therapy to hormones, to cosmetic facial reconstruction to breast augmentation/mastectomy and especially GRS. While the vast majority of abortions take place at specialized clinics where the law would not have been a problem there are virtually no endocrinologists whose practice focus solely on TS people and most of the surgeries depend on hospital facilities where your doctor can't always pick and chose support staff like nurses, assisting doctors, anesthesiologists etc.
The law is gone now, and good riddance, so the only thing left to say is, 'Where was the media?" I understand that the main focus was and should have been woman's rights, but really, no coverage at all? Perhaps there just aren't enough TG and TS people to make it worth while to spend time on in a news cycle. New is a business these days and perhaps a minority within a minority just doesn't have a large enough advertising demographic to warrant coverage. Trans issues don't get nearly enough coverage in this country and in most cases none at all and the media needs to get better about it.
Mostly though I blame myself, and others like me. I kept silent on this issue and I really shouldn't have. We need to be more connected and vocal in constructive ways. I have recently resolved to use my 'trans voice' more often and more loudly. Hopefully the next time an issue like this arises we wont be quite so overlooked.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson
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Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Belated Entry
I suppose I should have said that I would be absolutely horrible about updating this blog. Anyway here we go.
With the possible repeal of "Don't ask don't tell" the subject of gays in the military has been a real hot button issue and I hear about it where ever I go. One of the things I keep hearing from detractors of the repeal is , "Next they'll want to let them there (yes I live in the south) trannies serve in the army!" Normally when I have heard this I have said nothing and gone about my business either because it was on TV and yelling at the TV is a sign of dementia (or a sports fan), or because I just don't need the stress of butting into a stranger's conversation only to explain that I had been eavesdropping and then pick a fight. What I should have said however is that we can already serve in the military.
Now I'm not talking about the pre-transition MTFs that turn to the military to try to avoid transition. I am talking about post GRS(Gender Reassignment Surgery) men and women. The military wont let someone who is transitioning in, but honestly with as much as transition messes with your head its probably best to keep someone going through that as far away from firearms as much as possible. A post transition post GRS man or woman can join or be recruited into the military just by leaping a single hurtle. TS person is considered to be a 'major abnormality' and any 'major abnormality' is a disqualifying factor on the military's medical entrance exam. While that's not the most flattering way of putting it what it means logistically is that if you have transitioned and gotten GRS you can apply for a medical waiver. They are free to deny your waiver, and each branch sets its own criteria, but all you have to do is obtain a medical wavier.
That really is all it takes. I personally know of multiple cases of military recruiters specifically targeting trans people. The real kicker is that since GID and being TS has nothing to do with sexual preference, a TS person could serve as openly as he or she wanted to even with "Don't Ask Don't Tell". There is absolutely no law or regulation that specifically disqualifies post transition TS people from serving in the military.
I honestly don't know why everyone always assumes there are laws preventing TS people from doing this or that but it really is annoying. Although to be fair is certain hateful lawmakers realized that there is a difference between being gay and being TS, there probably would be more than there are. Anyway that's what I should have said.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
With the possible repeal of "Don't ask don't tell" the subject of gays in the military has been a real hot button issue and I hear about it where ever I go. One of the things I keep hearing from detractors of the repeal is , "Next they'll want to let them there (yes I live in the south) trannies serve in the army!" Normally when I have heard this I have said nothing and gone about my business either because it was on TV and yelling at the TV is a sign of dementia (or a sports fan), or because I just don't need the stress of butting into a stranger's conversation only to explain that I had been eavesdropping and then pick a fight. What I should have said however is that we can already serve in the military.
Now I'm not talking about the pre-transition MTFs that turn to the military to try to avoid transition. I am talking about post GRS(Gender Reassignment Surgery) men and women. The military wont let someone who is transitioning in, but honestly with as much as transition messes with your head its probably best to keep someone going through that as far away from firearms as much as possible. A post transition post GRS man or woman can join or be recruited into the military just by leaping a single hurtle. TS person is considered to be a 'major abnormality' and any 'major abnormality' is a disqualifying factor on the military's medical entrance exam. While that's not the most flattering way of putting it what it means logistically is that if you have transitioned and gotten GRS you can apply for a medical waiver. They are free to deny your waiver, and each branch sets its own criteria, but all you have to do is obtain a medical wavier.
That really is all it takes. I personally know of multiple cases of military recruiters specifically targeting trans people. The real kicker is that since GID and being TS has nothing to do with sexual preference, a TS person could serve as openly as he or she wanted to even with "Don't Ask Don't Tell". There is absolutely no law or regulation that specifically disqualifies post transition TS people from serving in the military.
I honestly don't know why everyone always assumes there are laws preventing TS people from doing this or that but it really is annoying. Although to be fair is certain hateful lawmakers realized that there is a difference between being gay and being TS, there probably would be more than there are. Anyway that's what I should have said.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Introduction
This is my very first post in my very first web-log! Often I find myself looking back at situations in my day to day life, or at broader topics in the world, and wishing I had said more about them. This blog is so I can address topics with the clarity and benefit of hindsight. If I were a bit more clever I would have said these things the first time around. Since I'm not I'll just have to blog about them.
Mostly I will be talking about the things that effect me the most so I suppose its only fair to say a little about myself. My name is Ellie, I am twenty eight years old and I am a trans women. I am also a lesbian so I imagine a large number of the topics I pick to write about will have to do with the TG and the LGBT communities. While that is a large part of me it certainly isn't all there is. I also plan to talk about friendship, politics, consumer advice, and anything else really that would have been really nifty if I had thought of it just a bit sooner.
I hope to entertain and inform so thanks for taking the time out to look at my little blog.
Mostly I will be talking about the things that effect me the most so I suppose its only fair to say a little about myself. My name is Ellie, I am twenty eight years old and I am a trans women. I am also a lesbian so I imagine a large number of the topics I pick to write about will have to do with the TG and the LGBT communities. While that is a large part of me it certainly isn't all there is. I also plan to talk about friendship, politics, consumer advice, and anything else really that would have been really nifty if I had thought of it just a bit sooner.
I hope to entertain and inform so thanks for taking the time out to look at my little blog.
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