Shezow

Thanks to One Million Moms being crazy and stupid, I am now aware of and have watched the first episode of Shezow. It is not a genre transcending masterpiece or anything, but I am over all quite pleased. It is about a boy and his sister (and other family members) who inherit a house from their deceased aunt. While cleaning the basement they stumble upon a secret panel hiding a ring. The sister immediately recognizes it as the Shezow power ring. Doubting his sister the brother, named Guy, takes the ring and puts it on to prove how silly she is being and of course immediately is transformed into Shezow, a super heroine that wears a pink skirt and heels.

Guy's personality is very stereotypical male, brash, impulsive, sporty. His sister is portrayed and more mature and knowledgeable. Shezow's power set and costume is VERY stereotypical "girly". A boomerang brush, high heels, light saber lipstick, and pink EVERYTHING.

I have already seen some comments deriding the show. Some saying that these stereotypes are harmful. I disagree though in the case of this show. While I agree that pegging fashion, and pink, and beauty products as definitively girly can be a very bad thing, here I feel it mostly shows that it is ok if you like those things and like being active and strong and heroic. The two are not mutually exclusive.

The main character, Guy, is not what most people think of when they think of a trans character. He has no initial desire to be or dress as a girl and initially he is put off by the unexpected transformation. Having only seen the pilot episode so far, it seems to me that Guy will be more of a gender fluid character. After the initial shock wears off Guy shows no strong aversion to being Shezow, even when teased by his male friend. At one point Guy says the line "Come to papa!" to which his friend teases, " Don't you mean 'come to mama'?" and Guy simply says, "Meh, depends on what I am wearing". Guys seems perfectly comfortable being being a rather overly typical boy and then excusing himself to go put on a bright pink skirt so SHE can go fight crime. The transformation is generally not used for cheap gags and over all it is very positive.

The writing probably wont pull in much of an older audience like can happen with some cartoons, but it is exceptionally well done for the target demographic. This show isn't going to revolutionize how gender roles are used in cartoons, but it sure is a step in that direction. I hope it does well when it comes to the HUB.

Ten Years

I am only ten years old!

That is how it feels at any rate. Ten years ago I formed my resolve to transition knowing full well how much of a mixed bag it could be. A few years prior I had tried to transition but it ended with a nasty purge and I even lost contact with some great people I wish I could still talk to. My best friends of course already knew but I was far from "out" yet. The hormones I was on had me starting to develop and I had switched to girl jeans and tighter T shirts. No one really noticed, I supposed I just looked very 'indi' or whatever. My clearest memory of this a girl I knew pawing at my chest and ask if I had been "working out" having mistaken my breasts for muscles. Amy, my best friend, had to come to my rescue I was so paralyzed.

New Years, was my big debut. There was a party at Big Pat's place and my new years resolution was to start living my life. It was a casual affair with booze, Anime, and Halo LAN death match (remember daisy chaining Xboxes?), but it was a big deal for me. So I went out and bought myself a pretty dress, just for me. Not second hand or borrowed, worn in secret or shame. A dress for Ellie. And I wore the shit out of that dress. I can't say I looked great, the hormone course hadn't had overly long to do its work and I still hadn't quite gotten the hang of making my hair look at all flattering. All the same I held my head as high as I could and went to go ring in the new year with my friends.

The ten years that followed went much like that party in a lot of ways. I was terrified the whole night. There were awkward questions and hurtful male posturing. Once I even retreated into another room to cry. Like that party, bad things have happened to me in this 'first' decade of my life. The words, "We don't hire you people," are now something that has been said to me. I've lost good jobs and bad ones due to discrimination. I've had people that I considered friends tell me that by taking care of my sanity and health by transitioning that I was being "selfish" and cut ties with me for years. I have been assaulted and I have been raped. These things and others have made me into a timid and fearful person, terrified of people and anything unfamiliar. It all sounds so horrible, and parts of it are certainly not good but in turn for all of that I gained peace.

Moments of peace. It seems like a simple thing to ask for, but its only in these past ten years that I have been able to have that. The words to describe what life was like for me before, will never come to me. I am neither eloquent enough nor am I any longer dark enough to convey it. However; I can tell you what it was like to have all that end.

My first moment of peace was at that party. My friends had calmed me down and coaxed me back into the festivities and one guy even apologized for being a bit of a jerk, it was nice. Some of us were playing halo and I stuck a grenade RIGHT to this guy's face. you could see it on the split screen just covering his vision before it exploded. Now I had done that sort of thing before of course, but this time I was sitting in a room, at a party in a dress I had bought just for me. Finally I was just me, doing 'me' things and it was ok.

That maybe doesn't get the point across to everyone reading this... and I tried here several times to try and explain it better but I think that will have to be a whole post in and of itself.

I remember these moments and treasure them...

Girl's night, when we got that hotel room and took pictures and that AMAZING whirlpool tub.

An epic shopping trip with Puppy and Monkey to get new glasses and a whole new wardrobe at the outlet mall.

Finding the courage to start fresh in a new city.

Being kissed in the mall, and feeling like the prettiest girl in the world because of it.

Meeting the girls at The Inner Life, and over the years watching them become impressive women that I am proud to know, more so than I can say.

Finishing school, with a diploma with MY name on it.

All of the moments when I have been able to smile and laugh with people I can truly call friends.

The bad things that happen affect me so much, I think, because they are discordant notes that mar this peace inside me that I never had before, and cling to. Having this is worth all the bad and more, much more.

Around this time of year I try to think back on where I have been and remind myself this it really is all worth it, because it is. It really is. Being ten whole years old now I am totally a big girl now, so I wanted to open up and share that thought if I could. So to anyone reading this, I wish you Peace. As much as you can hold on to.

♥♥♥♥♥♥
Ellinore Wilson

Father's Day

Last time I made a post it caused a bit kerfuffle so I sort of stopped posting. I am not going to be one of those bloggers who starts every post by apologizing for not posting for whatever period of time. Sometimes I have things to say and sometimes I don't.

Today was Father's Day. A lot happened actually. I managed to have a fairly long cheerfully toned conversation with my father. It was great. We talked about golf and me applying to be a fellow with the Obama campaign and Mom's trip. It was a normal conversation. Part of me gets depressed that something as simple as a conversation can be a cause for celebration but mostly I'll just take what I can get.

A friend of mine who is like family to me wished me a happy Fathers Day. WTF was that about. I should have said it was weird and made me uncomfortable, but of course I didn't. I Have NO idea what her thought process was or even if she had one behind it, but it really wasn't a good feeling when it happened.

Normally I try to use this space to say what I should have said after an experience I have learned from. This keeps this blog from being just a glorified livejournal post. Here though, I'm not sure what I should have said. I just feel like I should dread calling my Dad and shouldn't rejoice what it doesn't blow up in my face. When someone makes me uncomfortable in a gendered situation I feel like I should be strong enough and self assure enough to say SOMETHING even if it is just, "Dude, not cool."


Anyways, Happy Father's Day

Should have said I'm sorry...

I can only write from my pov, that is all I can do.

I had a big deal decision, about a new computer, I was not well and had a friend who has some degree of expertise with computers so I asked for her help and she fucked up.

She picked a low profile system and stuff that wont install in a low profile system. I asked her to do something I should have done myself, I didn't research and check her I just trusted her judgment, and that was wrong of me. I created the situation that allowed her to fuck up something that is a big deal for me and that was my mistake, but she still fucked up.

When the parts got to me I called her thinking there was some solution she planed for and there wasn't. She did say "Sorry! I guess I wasn't thinking of that when I was picking it out!" So I was pissed but I talked myself down over the course of a week and then called her and said "I miss hanging out with you we should do something sometime soon." Trying to just put the whole debacle behind us. I got no response but I figured she was just busy.

I saw her today and for most of the night I just waited to see if she was going to say something like, " I feel really bad about what happened, I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" but she didn't and I just decided I didn't need that, would have been great but I didn't need it. So I went to her and said, " Hey you know, no hard feelings about that computer thing, I'm sure I can get it sorted somehow." (and I can for between $85 to $160) and she says to me that she was pissed because I called pretending nothing had happened and that she felt owed an apology from me for *making her* "feel bad".

This was over $1000.00 and represented the last gift my grandmother would ever give me and she played *a part* in screwing it up. Feeling bad in that situation is the correct response, you don't need anyone to MAKE you feel bad it just happens. In stead of telling me how bad she felt about her part in things she decided to BLAME ME for creating the bad feelings.

You know what fine, I will admit that it was irresponsible of me to place her in a position where this could happen, but to be pissed off at me when I had just said I don't carry hard feelings for her part in things... I couldn't handle that. I tried, perhaps poorly, to make her see my side of things. That ended with her throwing a pudding dish, happening to hit me with it, and storming off in tears in a fit.

I can't and wont apologies for "making her feel bad." She messed up, and on something of great importance to someone(me) who I knows she cares, or at least cared, about. Feeling bad is just what happens in that situation and I am appalled she would blame me for somehow guilt tripping her. She is a very important friend to me and I don't want to lose her but I just can't handle her making my crisis about my Grama's final gift to me about how it made *her* feel.

All the same I should have said I was sorry. I created the whole situation that allowed this to happen in the first place and that was my mistake. You don't borrow money from friends and you don't put them in positions where an honest mistake on their part can screw you over. It was wrong of me to do that to her. For that I am truly sorry and sad because while her mistake put a tarnish on my Grama's final gift, my mistake may have ruined one of the most important friendships that I have.

The Hard Times

So I haven't updated in a while, sue me.

Recently I went through an emotional crisis. I won't go into the details here, that is what live journal is for. The short of it is a confluence of financial, social, emotional, and psychological stress formed a perfect shit storm and hit me pretty hard. Very hard. The point however; is that I turned to my friends in my time of need and most of them "weren't there" for me. *note the quotes*

Two of my friends that I turned to were "no help at all". They said all the wrong things and made everything seem so much worse. Most of my friends wouldn't even answer the phone when I called. I came to be sure that they had turned their backs on me, that I was too much trouble for them to deal with so they had abandoned me. Finally I did find a couple of friends who were there to talk and didn't say the wrong things and after crying on their shoulders a bit about my problems I found myself ranting about how horrible I had discovered my other friends were. I felt my depression and unhealthy thoughts worsening because of it.

My thoughts turned to the people I know and how unfair everything was until I thought of this. Two weeks ago I visited a friend in the hospital. During that visit I told her that I would visit again before she was sent home. At the time I had planned on visiting Wednesday not knowing that there are only visiting hours on Tuesday and Thursday. I was busy Thursday so I did not end up going. A simple thing really not extraordinary in any way, but when I didn't show up for a visit I wondered, might she have thought I forgot, or even abandoned her?

I clearly hadn't it was just a small honest mistake but if she was worried about such things already, might she have thought that? At first this just made me more depressed thinking I had hurt a friend of mine inadvertently, but then it hit me like a sac of bricks...

If your problems are so great that you can see any solutions or think of, then your friends probably can't either so they may say the wrong things, and that's okay.

Batteries die, things come up, and ringers get turned off, someone doesn't have to be avoiding you not to answer your calls.

People who care about you are affected by your problems. They can worry they wont know what to do or say so they can become to scared to do or say anything at all, and while that's not great, it's okay.

I'm not sure how universally helpful handing out that advice to people in crisis may be, but it sure snapped me out of my downward spiral. I still have all my problems, but at least for now they don't seem so insurmountable, because I know that I have a whole host of friends who try.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're alone.

The line

A few days ago, I and several of my friends were hanging out to unwind from the week. This is something we do regularly and it is one of the highlights of my week. I wont go into too many details because they aren't really germane to what I want to talk about. Recently a new person whom I only know through four degrees of separation has started living where we have these get-togethers. As the night progressed it somehow came up that he had never before been to Fail Blog. So he was sat in front of a computer and great fun and laughing was had by all, until we came to this post. A mechanic somewhere in Oregon I think who specializes in transmission work has named his business "Trannyman". Now when I saw this I'll admit I chuckled, because I found the fact that he was unaware of the other possible meanings sort of funny. So Fail Blog is not the issue here. What is the issue is that when he saw this what he said was "That's disgusting." If I hadn't been pleasantly tipsy at the time it would have ruined my whole night. I of course said nothing, I wish that I had but honestly I don't know what it should have been.

In case you're reading this and you don't get why I feel I should have said something, or why I didn't I'll spell it out a bit. What he said suggests that the very existence of trans people is somehow stomach turning and that saying so out loud is and should be socially acceptable. This was deeply, deeply offensive to me and the kind of response it warrants is a calling out and dressing down. So there I am wanting to do that, but I don't know this guy and maybe he hasn't read me. So then I thought, "well that doesn't make what he said less offensive I should out myself and give him what for." Let me tell you I really wanted to. In the end I didn't because I didn't want to cause a big drama and ruin everyone's night, better that just my night is ruined.

That seemed like the right choice at the time. Since then though it as just grated at me. What does have to happen before speaking up is the right thing to do? Obviously I can't just go around calling everyone out for every single bigoted or discriminatory thing I see. For one thing that would be exhausting. In a storybook, maybe friends would stick by you through something like that, but in real life it would get real old, real fast. So I have been trying to find where that line is and the more I do the more it just infuriates me that there is a line at all.

Why should I have to resign myself to accept and overlook some level of bigotry everywhere I go. Transition is a big deal, and years ago when I went through it I knew that for the rest of my life I would have to expect to have deal with prejudice and bigotry. What I didn't foresee what that a lot of the time I'd have to just grin and look the other way. When it happens in the job market or out shopping or any of a hundred other ways I can speak up, shop elsewhere, demand to speak to a manager, or just flip the bird, but when it's in a social situation like this there feels like there is little I can do, and to be frank it pisses me off, a lot.

Normally I try to end my posts with an upbeat note and some thoughts on how to make things better, but it's hard this time. I don't know how to fix this and also not start looking like a thin skinned psycho hose beast that no one wants to invite to parties. Letting bigotry slide is the wrong answer, but so is dominating every social outing with your own issues. The only helpful thing I can say is that bitching about it later seems to really make you feel better. In this case I probably should have said something, a well worded and tactful rebuke making it clear that what he said isn't acceptable but that wouldn't cause a big scene, something easier to think of when you haven't had five mudslides.

Flying off the handle rarely helps so stay calm and be tactful, blow off what you can and pick friends who understand your need to speak up for yourself for when you can't. That is as close as I can come to helpful advice.

Ellie Wilson

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Glad I didn't say

Just a quick and humorous update today. I was hanging out with two of my best friends and the topic of hair removal products cam up as we were talking. I used to use this great Australian product like wax but you didn't have to heat it up. I almost didn't stop myself in time from saying, " I used to have Nads."

Its funny how being trans can change the potential meaning of the things you say. In retrospect I probably should have said it. It would have been really frickin hilarious.

Ellie Wilson

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