So I haven't updated in a while, sue me.
Recently I went through an emotional crisis. I won't go into the details here, that is what live journal is for. The short of it is a confluence of financial, social, emotional, and psychological stress formed a perfect shit storm and hit me pretty hard. Very hard. The point however; is that I turned to my friends in my time of need and most of them "weren't there" for me. *note the quotes*
Two of my friends that I turned to were "no help at all". They said all the wrong things and made everything seem so much worse. Most of my friends wouldn't even answer the phone when I called. I came to be sure that they had turned their backs on me, that I was too much trouble for them to deal with so they had abandoned me. Finally I did find a couple of friends who were there to talk and didn't say the wrong things and after crying on their shoulders a bit about my problems I found myself ranting about how horrible I had discovered my other friends were. I felt my depression and unhealthy thoughts worsening because of it.
My thoughts turned to the people I know and how unfair everything was until I thought of this. Two weeks ago I visited a friend in the hospital. During that visit I told her that I would visit again before she was sent home. At the time I had planned on visiting Wednesday not knowing that there are only visiting hours on Tuesday and Thursday. I was busy Thursday so I did not end up going. A simple thing really not extraordinary in any way, but when I didn't show up for a visit I wondered, might she have thought I forgot, or even abandoned her?
I clearly hadn't it was just a small honest mistake but if she was worried about such things already, might she have thought that? At first this just made me more depressed thinking I had hurt a friend of mine inadvertently, but then it hit me like a sac of bricks...
If your problems are so great that you can see any solutions or think of, then your friends probably can't either so they may say the wrong things, and that's okay.
Batteries die, things come up, and ringers get turned off, someone doesn't have to be avoiding you not to answer your calls.
People who care about you are affected by your problems. They can worry they wont know what to do or say so they can become to scared to do or say anything at all, and while that's not great, it's okay.
I'm not sure how universally helpful handing out that advice to people in crisis may be, but it sure snapped me out of my downward spiral. I still have all my problems, but at least for now they don't seem so insurmountable, because I know that I have a whole host of friends who try.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're alone.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
The line
A few days ago, I and several of my friends were hanging out to unwind from the week. This is something we do regularly and it is one of the highlights of my week. I wont go into too many details because they aren't really germane to what I want to talk about. Recently a new person whom I only know through four degrees of separation has started living where we have these get-togethers. As the night progressed it somehow came up that he had never before been to Fail Blog. So he was sat in front of a computer and great fun and laughing was had by all, until we came to this post. A mechanic somewhere in Oregon I think who specializes in transmission work has named his business "Trannyman". Now when I saw this I'll admit I chuckled, because I found the fact that he was unaware of the other possible meanings sort of funny. So Fail Blog is not the issue here. What is the issue is that when he saw this what he said was "That's disgusting." If I hadn't been pleasantly tipsy at the time it would have ruined my whole night. I of course said nothing, I wish that I had but honestly I don't know what it should have been.
In case you're reading this and you don't get why I feel I should have said something, or why I didn't I'll spell it out a bit. What he said suggests that the very existence of trans people is somehow stomach turning and that saying so out loud is and should be socially acceptable. This was deeply, deeply offensive to me and the kind of response it warrants is a calling out and dressing down. So there I am wanting to do that, but I don't know this guy and maybe he hasn't read me. So then I thought, "well that doesn't make what he said less offensive I should out myself and give him what for." Let me tell you I really wanted to. In the end I didn't because I didn't want to cause a big drama and ruin everyone's night, better that just my night is ruined.
That seemed like the right choice at the time. Since then though it as just grated at me. What does have to happen before speaking up is the right thing to do? Obviously I can't just go around calling everyone out for every single bigoted or discriminatory thing I see. For one thing that would be exhausting. In a storybook, maybe friends would stick by you through something like that, but in real life it would get real old, real fast. So I have been trying to find where that line is and the more I do the more it just infuriates me that there is a line at all.
Why should I have to resign myself to accept and overlook some level of bigotry everywhere I go. Transition is a big deal, and years ago when I went through it I knew that for the rest of my life I would have to expect to have deal with prejudice and bigotry. What I didn't foresee what that a lot of the time I'd have to just grin and look the other way. When it happens in the job market or out shopping or any of a hundred other ways I can speak up, shop elsewhere, demand to speak to a manager, or just flip the bird, but when it's in a social situation like this there feels like there is little I can do, and to be frank it pisses me off, a lot.
Normally I try to end my posts with an upbeat note and some thoughts on how to make things better, but it's hard this time. I don't know how to fix this and also not start looking like a thin skinned psycho hose beast that no one wants to invite to parties. Letting bigotry slide is the wrong answer, but so is dominating every social outing with your own issues. The only helpful thing I can say is that bitching about it later seems to really make you feel better. In this case I probably should have said something, a well worded and tactful rebuke making it clear that what he said isn't acceptable but that wouldn't cause a big scene, something easier to think of when you haven't had five mudslides.
Flying off the handle rarely helps so stay calm and be tactful, blow off what you can and pick friends who understand your need to speak up for yourself for when you can't. That is as close as I can come to helpful advice.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
In case you're reading this and you don't get why I feel I should have said something, or why I didn't I'll spell it out a bit. What he said suggests that the very existence of trans people is somehow stomach turning and that saying so out loud is and should be socially acceptable. This was deeply, deeply offensive to me and the kind of response it warrants is a calling out and dressing down. So there I am wanting to do that, but I don't know this guy and maybe he hasn't read me. So then I thought, "well that doesn't make what he said less offensive I should out myself and give him what for." Let me tell you I really wanted to. In the end I didn't because I didn't want to cause a big drama and ruin everyone's night, better that just my night is ruined.
That seemed like the right choice at the time. Since then though it as just grated at me. What does have to happen before speaking up is the right thing to do? Obviously I can't just go around calling everyone out for every single bigoted or discriminatory thing I see. For one thing that would be exhausting. In a storybook, maybe friends would stick by you through something like that, but in real life it would get real old, real fast. So I have been trying to find where that line is and the more I do the more it just infuriates me that there is a line at all.
Why should I have to resign myself to accept and overlook some level of bigotry everywhere I go. Transition is a big deal, and years ago when I went through it I knew that for the rest of my life I would have to expect to have deal with prejudice and bigotry. What I didn't foresee what that a lot of the time I'd have to just grin and look the other way. When it happens in the job market or out shopping or any of a hundred other ways I can speak up, shop elsewhere, demand to speak to a manager, or just flip the bird, but when it's in a social situation like this there feels like there is little I can do, and to be frank it pisses me off, a lot.
Normally I try to end my posts with an upbeat note and some thoughts on how to make things better, but it's hard this time. I don't know how to fix this and also not start looking like a thin skinned psycho hose beast that no one wants to invite to parties. Letting bigotry slide is the wrong answer, but so is dominating every social outing with your own issues. The only helpful thing I can say is that bitching about it later seems to really make you feel better. In this case I probably should have said something, a well worded and tactful rebuke making it clear that what he said isn't acceptable but that wouldn't cause a big scene, something easier to think of when you haven't had five mudslides.
Flying off the handle rarely helps so stay calm and be tactful, blow off what you can and pick friends who understand your need to speak up for yourself for when you can't. That is as close as I can come to helpful advice.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Glad I didn't say
Just a quick and humorous update today. I was hanging out with two of my best friends and the topic of hair removal products cam up as we were talking. I used to use this great Australian product like wax but you didn't have to heat it up. I almost didn't stop myself in time from saying, " I used to have Nads."
Its funny how being trans can change the potential meaning of the things you say. In retrospect I probably should have said it. It would have been really frickin hilarious.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Its funny how being trans can change the potential meaning of the things you say. In retrospect I probably should have said it. It would have been really frickin hilarious.
Ellie Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A lighter (more petty) note
I was very socially awkward as a child. Some of that was probably due to being TS and not knowing yet, but mostly I chalk it up to being a giant geek and/or nerd. Now mostly I would try to laugh it off and turn the other cheek, " 'cause that's how I got raised up!" One time in the fourth grade this came back to bite me.
A particularly mean girl, her name was Meghan, decided it was her turn to have a go at me. I laughed it off only to have her turn and say to me, " No I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you!" Like for real, an actual person actually said that! Well I teared up and was mortified and she got to smile smugly knowing she hurt me.
What I should said was, "My god, how can you be so stereotypically mean? Saturday morning specials called and they want you to play the jerk in everything they have ever done, ever." I was a pretty smart kid, re: giant nerd, so I am pretty sure I knew how to use the word 'stereotypically' correctly.
She was so petty that she couldn't let me laugh it off. Of course now here I am blogging about it years later so I can't really point the petty stick. Its a good point though, I remember very little from fourth grade. My teacher's face and name, my locker combination, who sat next to me, all forgotten but I remember this one girl and this one time she was so mean to me. I wonder sometimes if she remembers too. Has she become a better person now and from time to time when the memory strikes her does she say to herself, "Gosh I can believe I really said that?"
Myself, I use it as a reminder that they way we treat people stays with them. We can't always do or say the right thing but if we try, if we go out of our way to put the effort in, that can stay too. So in the words of Bill and Ted, be excellent to each other.
Ellinore Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
A particularly mean girl, her name was Meghan, decided it was her turn to have a go at me. I laughed it off only to have her turn and say to me, " No I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you!" Like for real, an actual person actually said that! Well I teared up and was mortified and she got to smile smugly knowing she hurt me.
What I should said was, "My god, how can you be so stereotypically mean? Saturday morning specials called and they want you to play the jerk in everything they have ever done, ever." I was a pretty smart kid, re: giant nerd, so I am pretty sure I knew how to use the word 'stereotypically' correctly.
She was so petty that she couldn't let me laugh it off. Of course now here I am blogging about it years later so I can't really point the petty stick. Its a good point though, I remember very little from fourth grade. My teacher's face and name, my locker combination, who sat next to me, all forgotten but I remember this one girl and this one time she was so mean to me. I wonder sometimes if she remembers too. Has she become a better person now and from time to time when the memory strikes her does she say to herself, "Gosh I can believe I really said that?"
Myself, I use it as a reminder that they way we treat people stays with them. We can't always do or say the right thing but if we try, if we go out of our way to put the effort in, that can stay too. So in the words of Bill and Ted, be excellent to each other.
Ellinore Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Absent Voice
Quite some time back there was a lot of coverage on a particular issue that I feel I missed my chance to speak out on. The right of a doctor to deny treatment of a patient if it went against his or her religion has since been tossed out of law so my opinions will have no direct effect at this point but it has been nagging at me for quite a while now.
The major focus of the media coverage on this topic was abortion rights, and rightly so as that was the target of the horrible law in the first place. Another major focus was the "morning after" pill, which in my mind is not the same thing as abortion. The whole affair was a tragic infringement on woman's rights and it is right that was the focus of the media's attention. At the same time there was limited coverage for how the law had affected the gay community, but in all the coverage I watched I didn't see one mention of how it affected the trans community, at all.
I don't know how many emails I started an deleted during all this but in the end I kept silent. What I should have said is that the trans community was held hostage by this law. Trans people, and I am specifically thinking of transitioning TS men and women, depend on the medical community for a great number of things. From therapy to hormones, to cosmetic facial reconstruction to breast augmentation/mastectomy and especially GRS. While the vast majority of abortions take place at specialized clinics where the law would not have been a problem there are virtually no endocrinologists whose practice focus solely on TS people and most of the surgeries depend on hospital facilities where your doctor can't always pick and chose support staff like nurses, assisting doctors, anesthesiologists etc.
The law is gone now, and good riddance, so the only thing left to say is, 'Where was the media?" I understand that the main focus was and should have been woman's rights, but really, no coverage at all? Perhaps there just aren't enough TG and TS people to make it worth while to spend time on in a news cycle. New is a business these days and perhaps a minority within a minority just doesn't have a large enough advertising demographic to warrant coverage. Trans issues don't get nearly enough coverage in this country and in most cases none at all and the media needs to get better about it.
Mostly though I blame myself, and others like me. I kept silent on this issue and I really shouldn't have. We need to be more connected and vocal in constructive ways. I have recently resolved to use my 'trans voice' more often and more loudly. Hopefully the next time an issue like this arises we wont be quite so overlooked.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson
Feel free to donate!
The major focus of the media coverage on this topic was abortion rights, and rightly so as that was the target of the horrible law in the first place. Another major focus was the "morning after" pill, which in my mind is not the same thing as abortion. The whole affair was a tragic infringement on woman's rights and it is right that was the focus of the media's attention. At the same time there was limited coverage for how the law had affected the gay community, but in all the coverage I watched I didn't see one mention of how it affected the trans community, at all.
I don't know how many emails I started an deleted during all this but in the end I kept silent. What I should have said is that the trans community was held hostage by this law. Trans people, and I am specifically thinking of transitioning TS men and women, depend on the medical community for a great number of things. From therapy to hormones, to cosmetic facial reconstruction to breast augmentation/mastectomy and especially GRS. While the vast majority of abortions take place at specialized clinics where the law would not have been a problem there are virtually no endocrinologists whose practice focus solely on TS people and most of the surgeries depend on hospital facilities where your doctor can't always pick and chose support staff like nurses, assisting doctors, anesthesiologists etc.
The law is gone now, and good riddance, so the only thing left to say is, 'Where was the media?" I understand that the main focus was and should have been woman's rights, but really, no coverage at all? Perhaps there just aren't enough TG and TS people to make it worth while to spend time on in a news cycle. New is a business these days and perhaps a minority within a minority just doesn't have a large enough advertising demographic to warrant coverage. Trans issues don't get nearly enough coverage in this country and in most cases none at all and the media needs to get better about it.
Mostly though I blame myself, and others like me. I kept silent on this issue and I really shouldn't have. We need to be more connected and vocal in constructive ways. I have recently resolved to use my 'trans voice' more often and more loudly. Hopefully the next time an issue like this arises we wont be quite so overlooked.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson
Feel free to donate!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Belated Entry
I suppose I should have said that I would be absolutely horrible about updating this blog. Anyway here we go.
With the possible repeal of "Don't ask don't tell" the subject of gays in the military has been a real hot button issue and I hear about it where ever I go. One of the things I keep hearing from detractors of the repeal is , "Next they'll want to let them there (yes I live in the south) trannies serve in the army!" Normally when I have heard this I have said nothing and gone about my business either because it was on TV and yelling at the TV is a sign of dementia (or a sports fan), or because I just don't need the stress of butting into a stranger's conversation only to explain that I had been eavesdropping and then pick a fight. What I should have said however is that we can already serve in the military.
Now I'm not talking about the pre-transition MTFs that turn to the military to try to avoid transition. I am talking about post GRS(Gender Reassignment Surgery) men and women. The military wont let someone who is transitioning in, but honestly with as much as transition messes with your head its probably best to keep someone going through that as far away from firearms as much as possible. A post transition post GRS man or woman can join or be recruited into the military just by leaping a single hurtle. TS person is considered to be a 'major abnormality' and any 'major abnormality' is a disqualifying factor on the military's medical entrance exam. While that's not the most flattering way of putting it what it means logistically is that if you have transitioned and gotten GRS you can apply for a medical waiver. They are free to deny your waiver, and each branch sets its own criteria, but all you have to do is obtain a medical wavier.
That really is all it takes. I personally know of multiple cases of military recruiters specifically targeting trans people. The real kicker is that since GID and being TS has nothing to do with sexual preference, a TS person could serve as openly as he or she wanted to even with "Don't Ask Don't Tell". There is absolutely no law or regulation that specifically disqualifies post transition TS people from serving in the military.
I honestly don't know why everyone always assumes there are laws preventing TS people from doing this or that but it really is annoying. Although to be fair is certain hateful lawmakers realized that there is a difference between being gay and being TS, there probably would be more than there are. Anyway that's what I should have said.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
With the possible repeal of "Don't ask don't tell" the subject of gays in the military has been a real hot button issue and I hear about it where ever I go. One of the things I keep hearing from detractors of the repeal is , "Next they'll want to let them there (yes I live in the south) trannies serve in the army!" Normally when I have heard this I have said nothing and gone about my business either because it was on TV and yelling at the TV is a sign of dementia (or a sports fan), or because I just don't need the stress of butting into a stranger's conversation only to explain that I had been eavesdropping and then pick a fight. What I should have said however is that we can already serve in the military.
Now I'm not talking about the pre-transition MTFs that turn to the military to try to avoid transition. I am talking about post GRS(Gender Reassignment Surgery) men and women. The military wont let someone who is transitioning in, but honestly with as much as transition messes with your head its probably best to keep someone going through that as far away from firearms as much as possible. A post transition post GRS man or woman can join or be recruited into the military just by leaping a single hurtle. TS person is considered to be a 'major abnormality' and any 'major abnormality' is a disqualifying factor on the military's medical entrance exam. While that's not the most flattering way of putting it what it means logistically is that if you have transitioned and gotten GRS you can apply for a medical waiver. They are free to deny your waiver, and each branch sets its own criteria, but all you have to do is obtain a medical wavier.
That really is all it takes. I personally know of multiple cases of military recruiters specifically targeting trans people. The real kicker is that since GID and being TS has nothing to do with sexual preference, a TS person could serve as openly as he or she wanted to even with "Don't Ask Don't Tell". There is absolutely no law or regulation that specifically disqualifies post transition TS people from serving in the military.
I honestly don't know why everyone always assumes there are laws preventing TS people from doing this or that but it really is annoying. Although to be fair is certain hateful lawmakers realized that there is a difference between being gay and being TS, there probably would be more than there are. Anyway that's what I should have said.
Ellinore Patricia Wilson.
Feel free to donate!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)