Ten Years

I am only ten years old!

That is how it feels at any rate. Ten years ago I formed my resolve to transition knowing full well how much of a mixed bag it could be. A few years prior I had tried to transition but it ended with a nasty purge and I even lost contact with some great people I wish I could still talk to. My best friends of course already knew but I was far from "out" yet. The hormones I was on had me starting to develop and I had switched to girl jeans and tighter T shirts. No one really noticed, I supposed I just looked very 'indi' or whatever. My clearest memory of this a girl I knew pawing at my chest and ask if I had been "working out" having mistaken my breasts for muscles. Amy, my best friend, had to come to my rescue I was so paralyzed.

New Years, was my big debut. There was a party at Big Pat's place and my new years resolution was to start living my life. It was a casual affair with booze, Anime, and Halo LAN death match (remember daisy chaining Xboxes?), but it was a big deal for me. So I went out and bought myself a pretty dress, just for me. Not second hand or borrowed, worn in secret or shame. A dress for Ellie. And I wore the shit out of that dress. I can't say I looked great, the hormone course hadn't had overly long to do its work and I still hadn't quite gotten the hang of making my hair look at all flattering. All the same I held my head as high as I could and went to go ring in the new year with my friends.

The ten years that followed went much like that party in a lot of ways. I was terrified the whole night. There were awkward questions and hurtful male posturing. Once I even retreated into another room to cry. Like that party, bad things have happened to me in this 'first' decade of my life. The words, "We don't hire you people," are now something that has been said to me. I've lost good jobs and bad ones due to discrimination. I've had people that I considered friends tell me that by taking care of my sanity and health by transitioning that I was being "selfish" and cut ties with me for years. I have been assaulted and I have been raped. These things and others have made me into a timid and fearful person, terrified of people and anything unfamiliar. It all sounds so horrible, and parts of it are certainly not good but in turn for all of that I gained peace.

Moments of peace. It seems like a simple thing to ask for, but its only in these past ten years that I have been able to have that. The words to describe what life was like for me before, will never come to me. I am neither eloquent enough nor am I any longer dark enough to convey it. However; I can tell you what it was like to have all that end.

My first moment of peace was at that party. My friends had calmed me down and coaxed me back into the festivities and one guy even apologized for being a bit of a jerk, it was nice. Some of us were playing halo and I stuck a grenade RIGHT to this guy's face. you could see it on the split screen just covering his vision before it exploded. Now I had done that sort of thing before of course, but this time I was sitting in a room, at a party in a dress I had bought just for me. Finally I was just me, doing 'me' things and it was ok.

That maybe doesn't get the point across to everyone reading this... and I tried here several times to try and explain it better but I think that will have to be a whole post in and of itself.

I remember these moments and treasure them...

Girl's night, when we got that hotel room and took pictures and that AMAZING whirlpool tub.

An epic shopping trip with Puppy and Monkey to get new glasses and a whole new wardrobe at the outlet mall.

Finding the courage to start fresh in a new city.

Being kissed in the mall, and feeling like the prettiest girl in the world because of it.

Meeting the girls at The Inner Life, and over the years watching them become impressive women that I am proud to know, more so than I can say.

Finishing school, with a diploma with MY name on it.

All of the moments when I have been able to smile and laugh with people I can truly call friends.

The bad things that happen affect me so much, I think, because they are discordant notes that mar this peace inside me that I never had before, and cling to. Having this is worth all the bad and more, much more.

Around this time of year I try to think back on where I have been and remind myself this it really is all worth it, because it is. It really is. Being ten whole years old now I am totally a big girl now, so I wanted to open up and share that thought if I could. So to anyone reading this, I wish you Peace. As much as you can hold on to.

♥♥♥♥♥♥
Ellinore Wilson