Friends are among the most important things a person can have. I consider myself very lucky to have friends that got back ten, sometimes fifteen plus years. Today though I ended up thinking about someone who I haven't been fortunate enough to keep track of. Suzanne.
It is sort of funny but I don't actually remember at all how we became friends. Just in my memories of high school she appears all smiles talking to me with her hand. It was a very large school and a lot of this happened before I had a car so all but a few of my precious memories of her are just at school, between or before classes. I remember just how easy it was to talk to her about nothing at all or smile when she was around. Those were both things that were hard for me to come by in those days. I was starting to realize that I was trans and in a lot of ways I was hiding from it or even running from it.
Two of the best memories I have with Suzanne come to mind easily. There was a "Twin Day" at school where you were supposed to dress up with one of your friends in the exact same clothes. Suzanne and I both wore these T-shirts I had with a big yellow smiley faces on them and blue jeans. We got up on the little stage at lunch for the judging, which was just a thinly veiled popularity contest, and it didn't matter that i get stage fright and don't like big crowds of people. I was all smiles.My whole day was bright, at least until Spanish class when some jerk decided to give me guff about doing twin day with a girl.
The other memory is, for me, one that just defies reason. For her birthday she decided she was going to have a sleepover, and honest to god slumber-party. A bunch of her girl friends and me too. Now I was just barely aware i might be Trans* myself and it would be at least a year before I would come out to anyone(That disaster is a whole other post). It wasn't anything Earth shattering. We played a few games, there was a Ouija Board, we ate food, just like any kind of party but then we went to sleep at the end. It seems simple, trivial even, but by all rights it is the kind of memory I should have missed out on completely, and it is one of my most important memories.
I have no idea if Suzanne saw some part of the "real me" that at the time I was trying so hard not to accept, but when I look back I can realize now that I was most myself when I was just hanging out with her. When I close my eyes and think back, these and a precious few others are the memories that I can see myself as I am today as I reminisce.
Sadly, I can't remember how we grew apart. I wish I could. Maybe she got moved to that other school that half my class seemed to disappear into after sophomore year. Or maybe it was my fault. I wish I could remember.
We don't always know how much we will cherish the memories we make with people at the time. These days I try to remember to let my friends know how grateful I am to have them in my life. Because I should have said so much more to Suzanne to let her know how much her friendship meant to me.
