A few days ago, I and several of my friends were hanging out to unwind from the week. This is something we do regularly and it is one of the highlights of my week. I wont go into too many details because they aren't really germane to what I want to talk about. Recently a new person whom I only know through four degrees of separation has started living where we have these get-togethers. As the night progressed it somehow came up that he had never before been to Fail Blog. So he was sat in front of a computer and great fun and laughing was had by all, until we came to this post. A mechanic somewhere in Oregon I think who specializes in transmission work has named his business "Trannyman". Now when I saw this I'll admit I chuckled, because I found the fact that he was unaware of the other possible meanings sort of funny. So Fail Blog is not the issue here. What is the issue is that when he saw this what he said was "That's disgusting." If I hadn't been pleasantly tipsy at the time it would have ruined my whole night. I of course said nothing, I wish that I had but honestly I don't know what it should have been.
In case you're reading this and you don't get why I feel I should have said something, or why I didn't I'll spell it out a bit. What he said suggests that the very existence of trans people is somehow stomach turning and that saying so out loud is and should be socially acceptable. This was deeply, deeply offensive to me and the kind of response it warrants is a calling out and dressing down. So there I am wanting to do that, but I don't know this guy and maybe he hasn't read me. So then I thought, "well that doesn't make what he said less offensive I should out myself and give him what for." Let me tell you I really wanted to. In the end I didn't because I didn't want to cause a big drama and ruin everyone's night, better that just my night is ruined.
That seemed like the right choice at the time. Since then though it as just grated at me. What does have to happen before speaking up is the right thing to do? Obviously I can't just go around calling everyone out for every single bigoted or discriminatory thing I see. For one thing that would be exhausting. In a storybook, maybe friends would stick by you through something like that, but in real life it would get real old, real fast. So I have been trying to find where that line is and the more I do the more it just infuriates me that there is a line at all.
Why should I have to resign myself to accept and overlook some level of bigotry everywhere I go. Transition is a big deal, and years ago when I went through it I knew that for the rest of my life I would have to expect to have deal with prejudice and bigotry. What I didn't foresee what that a lot of the time I'd have to just grin and look the other way. When it happens in the job market or out shopping or any of a hundred other ways I can speak up, shop elsewhere, demand to speak to a manager, or just flip the bird, but when it's in a social situation like this there feels like there is little I can do, and to be frank it pisses me off, a lot.
Normally I try to end my posts with an upbeat note and some thoughts on how to make things better, but it's hard this time. I don't know how to fix this and also not start looking like a thin skinned psycho hose beast that no one wants to invite to parties. Letting bigotry slide is the wrong answer, but so is dominating every social outing with your own issues. The only helpful thing I can say is that bitching about it later seems to really make you feel better. In this case I probably should have said something, a well worded and tactful rebuke making it clear that what he said isn't acceptable but that wouldn't cause a big scene, something easier to think of when you haven't had five mudslides.
Flying off the handle rarely helps so stay calm and be tactful, blow off what you can and pick friends who understand your need to speak up for yourself for when you can't. That is as close as I can come to helpful advice.
Ellie Wilson
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